veracruz giannini: Who pays wedding expenses in an intercultural East-West ...

As some of you know, I?m engaged.

Like most women, I?ve been dreaming of my perfect wedding day. It goes like this ? I wake up, brush my hair and put on a nice light blue dress. We have a simple breakfast with the two people who?ll be our witnesses. Pretty soon we make our way to the courthouse for our scheduled appointment with the judge. We?re positioned in her chambers, where she reminds us of the important step we are taking, and asks whether we swear to love and cherish each other, to make the bed and get the groceries together ?til death do us part. We do, so we sign the appropriate forms. We have a small dinner with our closest family and friends, and off we go on our honeymoon to check out glaciers in Iceland.

That?s it.

I never wanted a big wedding ceremony or a fancy reception. Maybe it?s because I?m an introvert, and the idea of being the center of attention for a day freaks me out. But I also balk at the idea of spending a large sum of money on a single day, and expecting red envelopes from well-meaning Chinese guests to help pay for it.

With my courthouse wedding, we get what we long for ? legality, simplicity, and the intimate well wishes of our closest friends and family. And all that money we didn?t spend, well, that goes towards what we really need in our new life together, like a house, a DVD collection, and maybe a Siamese cat. I always wanted one of those.

My dear mom, however, has always been good about jolting me out of what she considers my silliest flights of fancy. ?You think there are no expenses with a courthouse wedding?? she retorted. ?You think getting married costs so little??

?For the wedding day, yes.?

?Stop dreaming lah. You don?t want a nice dress? And this so-called small dinner for closest family and friends ? you already have a dozen aunts and uncles on my side, not including their spouses. And your dad?s side has more! Even if we exclude your many cousins, that?s a lot! And a honeymoon. These are all expenses! Are you sure he can pay for everything??

Now, I was still daydreaming until her last line. ?He? Pay for everything? Why does he have to pay for everything??

?Because he?s the guy.?

?Doesn?t the bride?s family pay for the wedding?? I asked, confused. ?I thought that by having a small wedding, I would save you and dad money.?

?Save us money!? my mom is laughing her head off by now, tickled at the idea. ?The groom?s side is supposed to pay for everything, and he should give us a peng kam [dowry] for you. I hope he?s not trying to be a cheapskate!?

That night, I told all this to my fiance. ?Hon, they said you?re supposed to pay for the wedding.?

?What?? he was shocked. ?I would have offered to help pay anyway, but? I thought the bride?s family pays for the wedding.?

Turns out he and my mother were both right.

In Chinese culture, the groom?s side pays.

In the West/America, the bride?s side pays.

Of course, lots of couples, cross-cultural or not, no longer follow these ?rules.? Many couples decide to split the bill, or pay for the wedding themselves without the help of their families. My fiance, out of respect for my parents, has offered to become Chinese and pay for everything, including a traditional wedding dinner, though we?ll probably settle on sharing expenses, which I want to keep to a minimum. But I did get a good giggle thinking about what would happen if East-West couples insisted on following their respective traditions: